Solving National Debt: Hard Choices Are For Quitters

According to the Congressional Budget Office (requires Acrobat Reader), the federal debt has already surpassed $10 trillion, and unless current policies are changed, the 2009 budget deficit will be the biggest in history. Some so-called economists say that the only way to deal with the problem is to raise taxes and/or cut public spending. I say we need to think outside-the-box. Here are three ways to reduce the debt that will let us have our cake and eat it too!

1. Tribute: why suffer the indignity of paying our bills when we can get other countries to do it for us? Tribute, like democracy and pederasty, is a time-honored tradition dating back to Classical Athens. The leaders of Athens understood that the costs of lavish public spending should fall on everyone but the people who voted you into office. President Obama could politely ask Canada to share its excess wealth, and then send the military to Ottawa to make sure the money is safely transferred to the states.

2. Logan's Run: much of the debt arises from entitlement spending on Social Security and Medicare. We provide these services because we would feel bad if the elderly had to spend their twilight years in poverty and ill health. If we can't get rid of these services in good conscience, then let's get rid of the elderly! If nobody is old, then funding SS and Medicare becomes easy. I say that whenever someone reaches retirement age, a little gizmo in their hand activates to let the authorities know that it's time to take grandpa out to the woods "to set him free."

3. Voodoo Economics: maybe turning the elderly into Soylent Green isn't acceptable to the far left. But we still need to address the problem of a growing number of retirees versus working-aged adults. How do we keep those old folks working and paying taxes for as long as possible? The answer: voodoo. America is second only to Jamaica in zombification, and there's no reason a person should stop working just because they're clinically dead. Black magic is an emerging industry that will keep America competitive in the 21st century.

QED